Khoj

Ek shaam, nikal pada, akele, tanha apne ghar se ek aise safar ki taraf jiska mujhe ant nahin pata tha..bas main door jana chahta tha..kahan yeh pata nahin..bas kuchh shanti chahta tha kyun ye pata nahin..ye ashanti , ye bechaini kyun thi yeh pata nahin ..par woh zaroor thi..zindagi adhoori lag rahi thi..kuchh kami thi, kya thi yeh pata nahin..is zindagi se bhagne ka man tha, bas ek is ajeeb se eshaas se door jaana chahta tha..

Nikala ek aise safar ki or jahan sirf prakriti thi..jahan ped paudhe the..jahan panchhi the..jahan mujhe kuchh waqt mile apne saath bitaane ka..kuchh sochne ka..kuchh samjhne ka..shayad yehi kami thi..shayad main khud ko hi nahin
kabhi jaan paya..shayad pehchaan nahin paya..shayad janne pehchanne ki koshish hi nahin ki..ekant mein baitha..pedo ke beech..thandi hawa chali toh ek pal ko to man khush hua..man ko shanti mili..shayad inhi palon ki kami thi..shayad inhi ke liye taras raha tha mera bechain man..shayad isi thehraav ki kami thi...pal thode dheere hue..waqt jaise thama ho is prakriti ke beech..

Isi thehraav ke saath bechaini kam hui..dheere dheere man mein khayal ane shuru hue..khayal bhi thehre hue..thode sadhe hue, thode manjhe hue..bachpana kam tha unme..apni zindagi ko apni ankhon ke saamne dekh raha tha..zindagi ko sachhi nazron se dekhke alag laga ..thoda thehraav bada..aankhein nam hui..laga ki jaise zindagi bhaag rahi hai..shayad main us waqt ko pakadna chahta tha..rokna chahta tha..chahta tha ki main jaisa hun waisa rahun..waqt bas yahin tham jaaye..purane din purane dost purani yaaedin sab ankhon ke saamne ..un logon ko, un lamhon ko wapas laana chahta tha..main zindagi ke kuchh pal phir se jeena chahta tha..

Shayad in aansuon ke saath mere dard beh gaye..kuchh kam hue..shayad maine dard apne saath hi baant liya..dheere dheere pal guzare..man shaant hua..zindagi ke kuchh kharab pal yaad aye..jin palon ko shayad kabhi yaad nahin karna chahta tha..yaad aye aise pal jinme mein pareshan rehta tha..jahan main roya tha, sabko dukh pahunchaya tha..jahan main humesha apne apko thik mana karta tha..jahan main logon se lada tha..unpe naraaz hua tha..jin palon ki khatas abhi bhi dil mein thi..un palon ko dekha, mahsoos kiya..shayad yeh maana ki main un logon ke bina bhi adhoora hun..unki apni jagah thi..jo hua shayad sahi nahin tha..galti chahe kisi ki bhi ho shayad jo hua woh sahi nahin tha..un logon ka meri zindagi se jaana thik nahin tha....unhe yaad karke maana ki main aaj bhi adhoora hun..isi eshaas ke saath phir dil halka hua..jo bhaaripan tha..jo bechaini thi woh aur kam hui...tabhi dheere dheere mujhe laga ki maine shayad kabhi samjh hi nahin tha ki main kya chahta tha..bas humesha laga ki jo us waqt chahun mil jaaye..chahe achhe number hon, chahe kisi ko pana ho,chahe kahin jit ho,kuchh bhi,shayad kabhi yeh maana nahin ki main khudgarz hun..sirf apna bhala dekhta hun ..sirf apne baare mein sochta hun..is bhavna se mujhe humesha dard mila..kabhi khushi nahin mili..isne mujhe humesha kharab sochne par majboor kiya..doston ke prati kharab bhavna, unpe shak karna..bematlab apne sambandh isi chakkar mein kharab kiye kyunki maine apna bhala chaha aur shayad sirf apna bhala chaha..ek baar ko laga ek ek ke paas abhi jaaun aur maafi maangu jiska maine dil dukhaya..jiske saath bura bartaav kiya..par shayad woh ho nahin sakta tha..woh mujhse bahut door ja chuke the..phir se mujhe yehi laga ki main kitna adhoora hun..sirf bahari khushi dekhta hun..duniya ke saamne achha banna chahta hun chahe andar se kitna ghatiya hi sahi..kuchh kam karta tha toh sirf doosron ki nazar mein achha banne ke liye...chahe woh dosotn ki nazar sahi ya gharwaalon ki..kabhi apni nazar mein upar uthne ki koshish nahin ki..kabhi samjha nahin ki shayad jahan khushi dhoond raha hun wahan khushi hai nahin..jis khushi ko dhoond raha tha woh apna thikana badalti rehti hai..asli khushi ka thikana wahan nahin shayad mere andar hai....ise dekh laga shayad meri duniya wahi hai jo maine banayi hai..shayad isme jo kamiyan hai wo meri wajah se hai..kisi aur ko dosh diya agar kabhi toh woh thik nahin tha..par phir laga shayad ab mujhe khushi apne andar dhoondni hai..mujhe abhi samajhna tha ki main kya chahta hun..pedon ko dekh laga ki kaash zindagi humari saral ho...saadharan ho..hum humesha apni zindagi apne khayalon se asaral bana dete hain..logon pe shak karke, logon se kuchh zyada hi chahte hain..apni zindagi ko badalna chahta tha..apne is adhoorepan ki khoj karke ek khushi bhi mehsoos hui..shayad is khoj ki kami thi..shayad aaj tak yeh baat maani nahin thi ki main adhoora tha..galat tha..

Isi khayal ke saath pedo ke beech ghaans pe leta raha..asmaan ki or dekhkar socha shayad yehi mera lakshya hai..main apne ko janna chahta hun..apne ko samajhna chahta hun..shayad main ek hi chij chahta hun..khoj..is duniya mein apni khoj.. !